Bun.
Oh, well now, this is good.
OK, Nick, or is it Mr Dick?
Nick.
You wanna do the honors?
- It's up to you. - Gentlemen.
This is gonna be great!
Here's your orders, ladies. You can help yourselves.
Is that the foot-long?
And then some.
Excuse us. Mom, let go.
Hey, lady, how much?
Talk to the pimp.
Hi.
Hey, nice seeing you.
Hello.
Hey, let's talk.
Hey, bro! What it be?
- You're a pimp? You look like Gandhi. - I'm telling you I am, Joe.
- I want women. - I got women.
They sit on your face, anything you want.
Great. I want some. How much?
Big hassle now, bro. Soon they go to customers.
I got a bachelor party at the Parkview Hotel.
That would be out of sight, dude.
Customers in same hotel.
Let you have them at cut-rate price for 45 minutes.
- $200. - Great.
Sold. 45 minutes, no problem.
Room 1002.
Not one minute longer or Milt will come for you.
Milt?
This being Milt.
Pretty heavy, hey, dude?
Girls back in 45 minutes
or Milt cuts your balls off.
Fair enough?
Shake.
I just bet my balls, and shook on it.
Did you happen to see Tina's face?
Bobbi was less shocked, of course. She's used to seeing something that size.
Hey, yo! Brad!
Hey! Big Brad!
Where's the young man?
What are you doing?
I'm killing myself.
Oh.
You know, Brad, marriage is a dicey thing at best.
And sometimes people say things they don't mean.
But you and Sue, you're mature people. You'll work this stuff out.
- You gotta lighten up, man. - No, Rick, I don't care any more!
She hates me! I'm no good for her. I'm just gonna end it all right here!
Oh! Oh! God!
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Pain is such a rush.
Oh, this is good.
- Is there anything I can do for ya? - Oh, no...
This is pain.
Fabulous.
There could be some major damage here.
Mmm! Mmmm!
Hey, man! Go check out your car. It's beautiful.
- My car? Where is it? - It's outside.
Shit!
Oh, shit!
Shit!
Shit! Shit!
Rick, goddamnit!
You've had it! I'm gonna get you!
Shit!
Shit! Shit!
This is your bachelor party, and you're not havin' a good time.
I'm having a great time!
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
- Where the hell is everybody? - I don't know.
Surprise!
The team bus just pulled in!
Hookers!
It's a party! Party, Ricky!
I had a wiener right in my hand.
I told you, men are pigs. I saw those swine just standing there.
God! What a gross thing to do.
I have to admit, even for Rick, that was beyond the Valley of Good Taste.
Yeah, well, Rick and his pals are probably knee-deep in whores by now.
- I can't wait to see what those guys are up to. - Me either.
If I find out Stanley's been screwing around, I'll kill him.
Kill? I won't do anything that drastic. I just won't get married.
Good. You're finally talking some sense.
Well... let's get ready, you guys. Let's get going.
- You with us, Mom? - A strange wang right in my palm.
- Can I help you? - We're the band.
- Band? - O'Neill sent us.
Oh, O'Neill! Great!
Everybody's busy in the bedrooms right now, but come on in.
Oh, that's nice hair. I'll try to make sure no one smokes around you.
Are you together? If not, maybe introductions are in order.
# Why do good girls like bad boys?
# It must be the thrill she gets When he lights her cigarette
# Or the way his nostrils flare Every time he combs his hair
# Why do good girls like bad boys?
Alligator!
Hey, that was incredible. And also wonderful.
It was a moving experience. I thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Next!
Ricky! Go, babe. Get in there, my brother.
My dearest family member, get in there. She's incredible.
No, no, no. I will, but the party's young and it's just starting up.
I want to ask you a question first. You're my older brother. Let me ask you some advice.
You are a married man, right? I am about to be a married man.
What can I expect from this marriage thing? What is the honest scoop?
The honest scoop? The first month, from the beginning, is terrific. It's great.
The second month, things calm down a little bit.
Third month, you're looking through old phone numbers, old girlfriends...
But, by the fourth month... by the fourth month you're just... you're numb.
You know? Just... It's incredible.
So by the fifth month, hopefully, football season starts.
- Football. - You got ball games. You got Monday Night.
Stan, I am so glad we had this chat. You've really answered my questions.
Hi. We were just walking by and we heard the music. Can we come in?
Sure! Come on in! Join the party, babe.
What can I get for 25 bucks?
An elevator ride around the block, a pogo pump, or a pogo swirl,
or a pump with an underground hammer.
Wait a minute. Whatever happened to hand jobs?
Hi.
Hello.
# I was dreaming
# Woke up screaming
# I was drowning in a pool of sweat
# My hands were shaking
# My head was aching
# My stomach was so upset
# That's when I saw two eyes glowing in the dark
# I fell in love with a little demon
# Little demon, little demon
# Angels above can't take my little demon
# Little demon, little demon
# Little demon!
# She crawled up beside me
# Her smile terrified me
# And I was suffering in ecstasy
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm slashing my wrists.
- With an electric razor? - I couldn't find any razor blades.
At least your wrists will be smooth and kissable.
Give me this thing! What is the matter with you?
Will you go out there and have some fun and have a few laughs, please?
No, no, no. Have fun first, and then have a few laughs.
Just forget about the marriage for a couple of hours.
This is a party, remember? Go out there and party.
That's good. That's good.
Gary, how's the big stallion?
Rick, I really think I'm in love.
We're talking marriage, kids, the whole thing.
I'm very happy for you. Name your first six kids after me, OK?
My name is Tim. I'm always available.
By the way, I also do engine work on BMWs.
Bye.
That's another example of better living through chemistry.
I said that's another example...
Are these on or am I wasting my time?
All right!
This is gonna be great.
Sex with a donkey. Incredible.
Hi! Come on in!
Drugs to the right, hookers to the left.
Good to see ya again.
Hey! I oughta smack you.
Rick, buddy... pal of mine...
- I'm concerned. - Hey! What about?
This is your party! Your bachelor party! You haven't had sex with anyone yet.
Not true. I had a bunch of sex tonight.
I'm just very fast. You haven't been able to see me. There - I had it twice!
Come on. I got something you can't resist.
You do?
You remember Tracey?
Tracey? I am a mortal man, O'Neill. Of course I remember Tracey.
You remember how crazy she was about you?
- Tracey was crazy about me? - "Oh, Rick, you're so funny!"
I called her and told her that you were about to be put on the unavailable list.
She decided to come over and give you a little something.
She did?
- Right in there. - The bedroom? Tracey's in the bedroom?
You got it.
- Tracey is in the bedroom? - Heaven awaits.
O'Neill...
Oh... well, now, O'Neill, this is a gift I...
You bet.
How can I... how can I turn this down?
You can't.
I guess I can't.
- Oh, Tracey...? - Yeah.
Oh, hell, all right. All right, I will. All right, OK. I will. All right.
If I'm not back in half an hour, call the paramedics.
All right.
That's the old Rick!
Hello?
Oh, eat my chair!
Rick, take me, please.
Rick, you promised me.
You promised me you wouldn't make love to anybody else.
Go for it! Go for it!
Don't go back on your word, Rick. Be true. Be strong.
Go for it!
What, are you nuts? Look at my tits! They're perfect!
Rick, take me, please.
How'd it go?
Well, hey... Hey, if she can walk, I don't know my business, you know?
Oh, hey, O'Neill, I just lied. Nothing happened in there, all right?
I know how much this meant to ya, but I couldn't do it, OK?
I love Debbie. I made a promise and I'm crazy about her.
Hey, I understand.
Don't worry about it.
To tell you the truth, I'm envious. I wish I had someone who was in my every thought.
Somebody I could spend all my time with.
Somebody I could really respect.
Hey, look at the cans on that bimbo.
I am looking for this dung head who took my women.
He's being liar to me.
I want my bitches back.
Holy shit! I'm going to get Milt right now.
I'm going to get the fuck out of here.
- Who was that? - I don't know.
- Well, what is this? - Got me.
- Well, how about this? - Still drawing a blank.
- Hey, he look familiar? - Very.
Get the hookers in a circle. We're gonna put Cochise out of business.
I can't believe we're doing this.
We are supposed to be hookers. Act sexy.
If Stanley's there I'll rip his butt.
Stop with this! We're supposed to be hookers! Act sexy!
- I just wanna find him up there... - Shut up with that.
Don't tell me to shut up. We don't need sex, we just have to find the room.
You girls is the hookers, right?
Yes, of course we're hookers.
- The boss said deliver hookers. - We are not hookers, you big dumb ape!
How dare you!
Girls, let's get outta here...
Wonderful!
Any of you guys from out of town?
Come on, fellas... Fellas!
Where the hell is he?
- It's gotta be on this side. - No, it's this side.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
All right, this is it.
Let me fix you up here. Let's show the gold.
Beautiful. Gorgeous.
OK. Go get him.
Make love to me... please?
T minus 3, 2, 1. We have ignition!
Kill!
We got him now!
No! No!
You can't do this!
We're just gonna put you in a safe place until after the party.
No, no! Please! Please stop! Don't! No!
Hey! Hey, you guys can't do this!
Hey! Hey, come on!
Now you stay out of trouble, young man.
Take care!
I hope you die, you bastard!
Bye!
Hey, you bastards! I'm gonna live!
Aaghhh!
Well, here we are.
This is gonna be some night, huh? Are you ready for this? Are you ready?
Come here.
Look, uh... why don't you make yourself comfortable, all right?
There's a terrific moon out tonight.
OK, we're here. How do we get this donkey inside?
I don't know.
You don't know? You had it all figured out. You had a plan.
Well, maybe I did. I don't know. I forgot.
I'd like to get you on an operating table, just once.
Ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha what?
- I got it. - You got what?
You're gonna be OK. Everything's gonna be fine. Don't worry about it.
How about some air? You can take in some air. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
Take in some air, huh?
Oh, no! Shit!
- Are you sure you're OK? - Yes.
Ohh, God...!
They seemed like nice guys.
- Thanks for your help, Ed. We appreciate it. - Any time, Al. Good night.
Cole?! My God, son, what are you doing here? What happened?
The party's upstairs, sir. They made me get naked and...
What?
They made me get naked and hung me out from the window. It was so scary and I fell.
Get a hold of yourself. What room are they in?
- They're on the tenth floor, sir. - I'm going up there. I'll take care of this.
Now you go and get yourself some clothes. You look awful.
Yes, sir.
OK, this side 27. This side 17. Ready? Here we go. Go, go, go!
How ya doing, everybody? We brought back a friend.
Gentlemen, ladies, for your viewing pleasure, meet Max,
the magical, sexual mule!
A donkey that doesn't wanna be recognized?
Something interesting is gonna happen here.
And here's Max's partner. A gal who doesn't believe happiness ends with primates.
The lovely Miss Desiree!
My God! What are you people doing in here?!
Uh-oh. It's Mr Laughs.
Rick, I knew you were a vile, disgusting degenerate,
but bestiality?
This goes beyond my wildest dreams.
Well, I like to stretch myself on occasion.
You're through, mister. When Debbie hears about this, she will never see you again.
You're right, Mr Thompson.
You should go give Debbie a call right now. There's a phone in the back bedroom.
You're through, mister.
Well, thanks, pal!
If Debbie finds out about this, I am dead!
Will you relax?! I have everything under control.
Hired help... ladies... follow me.
Sorry for the interruption, folks. We now return you to the arts.
Stand back! I'm a doctor!
Back!
Of course we don't allow that sort of thing here, ma'am. No.
I'm sorry that the noise woke you up. I will take care of it right away.
I've had enough of this.
- Let's just give 'em what they want. - What?!
Let's go. Come on, everybody inside!
The big show's gonna start in one minute. Come on!
We're gonna have so much fun!
Get outta here! Go! Go!
Everyone, go! I'll hold them off. The rest of you make a break for it.
Ilene, are you crazy? Come on, let's go!
Debbie, please, I know what I'm doing. Now just go. Go!
OK, gentlemen, the gods have answered your prayers!
Banzai!
- I hope llene is all right. - I hope those guys are all right.
- Oh, my God. - Ohhh!
Gross!
1002.
Guess who's here? Another surprise guest.
Who?
Does the name Debbie mean anything to you?
What, my Debbie?
- What's with the costume? - I don't know! Listen, do me a favor.
Go up to her like you don't know her and send her into the back bedroom.
You got it.
Hi, baby. You're new here.
- I don't believe the groom has had you yet. - No, not...
No, not yet. Where is the groom?
In the bedroom.
Thanks.
Hey, it's dark in here.
Don't turn on the lights, sugar. I'll lead you around.
Oh, well, a seeing-eye hooker. This is a nice service.
Hey, you don't look half bad! Let's see how you are in the sack! Yeehah!
Damn you, Rick!
Debbie, you're a hooker! I don't believe it!
I can't trust you!
Come on. I knew it was you.
Hey!
- Rick, you're lying! - It was ajoke! Debbie!
Wait! Just hold on! Wait!
Hold on! Please, just give me a chance to explain!
Debbie!
Debbie, I didn't do anything!
Well, hardly.
The marriage is off! You can screw around with your friends for the rest of your life!
I don't want that! I want you!
And I want somebody who understands commitment!
I understand commitment! I love you!
- I don't believe you. - You don't? Oh, fine. Good.
Hey! Hey!
People! Attention, please!
Shut up!
Have I had sex with anyone in this room tonight?
No!
You're sure about this?
Yes!
Fine, good. Resume party.
Understand?
Now this isn't your ordinary party crowd here. There are professionals in here.
But I didn't want them.
You... you're the only one I've ever wanted.
Do you understand?
Yeah.
So what do we do about it?
Let's get naked.
OK.
No, Debbie, not that bedroom!
Daddy?
All my years as a photographer, I've never seen such a natural. The camera loves him!
Grrrrrr!
Daddy, what are you doing here?
He says he's having a wonderful time and thinking of changing his name to Spike.
Grrrrr!
I've been getting calls all night. God only knows what they're doing in there.
Open up! You're under arrest!
All right, boys, break it in.
Hold it, hold it, hold it. I've got the key.
Let's go! It's a raid!
Whoa! The cops!
Mom?
Back exit!
Debbie!
Rick!
Diana Ross is playing next week. I got three tickets.
How about Boy George? The Police?
Oh, hi!
Oh, no! Not her!
No! No! Anything but that!
No, not her! Not her!
She pees standing up! Not her!
Stan! You lying dog!
Hey, wait a minute. Hold it.
What did you say, Stanley? What did you say, Stanley?
You said no hookers! You said no hookers!
No hookers! No hookers!
Debbie!
Where is Debbie? Where is Debbie?
- What are you doing?! - Debbie, you'll always be mine!
Rick!
Hey, have you seen Debbie?
Shit! Shit!
Shit!
- I thought she was just next to you. - No.
Oh, shit!
Get outta there!
- Cole! - You're coming with me!
God, he's kidnapping her! Back to the bus!
Help! Rick!
Debbie! You're coming in with me!
Cole, I've had enough. How about you, huh?
- Come with me! - Just give it a rest.
No!
Tickets. Hey!
Tickets? Tickets?
There's 36 theaters. They could be anywhere.
Oh, great.
- Now what do we do? - Let's just split up. We'll go this way.
Ryko!
I killed the mule! I killed the...
What is the sense of living?
I'll take this theater. Ryko, take the one down there.
Ooh. Small theater.
Rick?
Rick!
What a realistic effect!
This is the best 3-D I've ever seen!
I've seen better.
Wow!
This time I'm gonna do it, and nobody's gonna stop me.
Fuck...!
Do you, Richard Ernesto Gassko,
take Deborah Julie Thompson as your lawful wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
until death do you part?
I sure do.
So by the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Uh... I'm sorry. It needs something special here.
Hold on. Wait.
Oh, God Almighty!
How about this? Come on, we're married now. This is perfectly legal.
Honey!
Rick, stop it! Get that thing away from me!
Come here, Mrs Gassko.
Step on it, driver. We don't wanna miss our plane.
Right.
Hey, now, Brad...
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